![]() Together, choose a gridlocked issue to work on.Now that you've practiced looking for the dreams behind conflicts, here are steps to help you overcome gridlock: He thinks they should save and invest, not blow their money on frivolous things.ĭreams: Identify Amy and John's dreams behind their conflict. John thinks Amy is short-sighted and impractical about spending money. She thinks they have more than enough for their needs and wants them to have more fun. Greg doesn't mind a little clutter and doesn't see why Lisa is always nagging him to clean up.ĭreams: Identify Lisa and Greg's dreams behind their conflict.Ĭonflict: Amy thinks her husband is too stingy with their money. He enjoys meeting new people and feels suffocated and trapped when Cheri wants to stay home every weekend.ĭreams: Identify Cheri and Jared's dreams behind their conflict.Ĭonflict: Lisa needs her home to be neat and tidy, but she gets tired of doing all the housework and feels like no one helps her or appreciates what she does. She would rather relax in the comfort of her own house. She doesn't feel comfortable going out to parties and thinks socializing is often superficial and unfulfilling. His dream is to feel secure, and he fears that the expense and stress of children would threaten the comfort and security he and Rita enjoy.Ĭonflict: Cheri enjoys being at home. His parents were always struggling to make ends meet for him and his brothers. Her dream is to have many children and give them the same wonderful growing up experience she had.ĭave feels that children represent responsibility. She grew up in a large family and her siblings are some of her best friends. This difference is a source of major tension and hurt feelings between them.ĭreams: Rita feels that children represent joy. ![]() But Dave doesn't feel ready for children and doesn't know if he ever will. This exercise will help you learn to look for the dreams behind your own gridlocked conflicts.Ĭonflict: Rita loves children and has always looked forward to having a big family. In three of the examples, you're ask to identify the deeper dream underlying the couple's conflict. She wants to attend an expensive college, but he wants to quit his high-paying management job and open a restaurant.īelow are four detailed examples of perpetual marital conflicts. The challenge comes when dreams conflict with one another: She wants their children to grow up near her family, but he wants to work for an international firm and travel the world. ![]() Instead, they both share their desires and goals, then work out together how to fulfill them. Neither partner should be expected to bury dreams or insist that the other give up his or hers. Happy couples realize it's important to support and join each other's dreams. For example, underlying the practical dream of owning a home may be the profound dream of personal independence. Dreams, by Gottman's definition, are "the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life." 1 Dreams can be practical or profound, or a combination of both. Generally, gridlocked conflicts are a sign that one or both of you have deep dreams that aren't being respected or realized. The first step in overcoming gridlock is to find the root cause of your conflict. Hopes and Dreams: The Root Cause of Gridlocked Problems Once you're able to do that, you can learn to live with almost any perpetual problem. ![]() Your goal, according to researcher John Gottman, is to move "from gridlock to dialogue." He says couples need to "declaw" a gridlocked problem-to take the pain out of the issue so you can talk about it without hurting each other. Many couples learn to deal with their gridlocked problems and build happy, successful relationships.Ī key to dealing with a gridlocked problem is to remember that you don't have to solve the problem. Do you feel hopelessly stuck over a problem that you and your spouse just can't solve? If so, learning to cope with the conflict may seem impossible, and you might fear your relationship is doomed. ![]()
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